Life

...and figuring it all out. You'd think at 30-something you'd have it licked. Well I don't and this past year I have really really struggled with a balance. For those that don't know, when I was about 6 months pregnant with Charlie we moved, and I did not get a job in the new location. It was the plan for me to stay home, and I did. From 1995 until 2007 I was a stay at home Mom. Being married to the military and being around no family, unless I had a career making $60,000 year, we would have only been using my paycheck to pay someone else to raise our kids. Besides, I wanted to raise our kids. When I got a part time job in March of 2007, that's all it was going to be, just a simple 20-30 hours a week. That progressed to 40 hours working 6pm-3am. Not a good shift with family. In about October of 2007 I went to overnights (10-7) and worked that full time shift until about February of 2008. That was 7-4 M-F. Doesn't get any better as far as full time goes. I started to really care about my job (which by then was a dept. manager) and giving it my all. Then I got a different department- same position, just a much larger area. Now I have yet another position. One that requires so much give everyday, and one that requires doing a lot of figuring of who goes where and what gets done, etc. I'm now being held accountable for everything that goes on in 10 different consumable departments. If my Dept. managers aren't getting it done, it is my responsibility to figure why, and how to keep it from happening again. I'm the one in the management meetings, so it's my ass on the line. "Well so and so didn't get it done" is not an answer, it's a reflection of my own failure.... Retail, especially food and consumables (which is where I am now a merchandising supervisor) is mentally and most days physically exhausting. The shift is either 8am-5 or 11-8pm. When I get home and walk in the door it's time for dinner and animal care. No time to sit first. The boys are pretty good about their homework, but there still needs to be follow thru, and the occasional load or 2 of laundry, and then the cleaning up of dinner, and getting the animals set. Most of this I do still dressed in my wal-mart clothes... I sit down at 8-9pm for about an hour, go to bed, then get up to do it all again. My days off are extremely trying for me as there is always so much that has to be done and there's always so much I want to do... I get overwhelmed and most of the time end up doing hardly anything at all because I just can't even make a move. If I try to do what I want I feel so guilty about what I'm not doing that I don't even enjoy myself. If I do the things I hate doing, but have to be done, I'm miserable thinking about all I want to do... It's gotten so bad that Ben doesn't even want to be around on my days off... Yesterday I had a pretty serious "breakdown", if you will. I got up with the intention to try really really hard to not get hung up in that same old cycle. But I did and I was in tears by the time Ben got home. And frankly he's over it. So today I get up and I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I was 10 minutes late because I would do a couple things, then have to lay down, do a few more and lay down... I clocked in and did some work on the computer at work, thinking if I could just sit for an hour I'd be able to tough it out. Nope. So at 20 minutes to 9 I walked into the manager's office and didn't even have to say I was sick. They told me to go home. I didn't think I'd ever make it home- ever had to drive 30 miles with flu type feelings? It's not fun. I got home and hit the bed. I slept like a stone (not something I do very often) until almost noon! I tried to have some coffee (cuz of course now I've got a caffeine headache), but it tasted awful. And although I felt okay getting up, once I was up moving around I was ill. So I've been on the sofa since. It's 3:08 now.

What am I doing wrong? Why do I have such a horrible time just enjoying what I DO have and what I CAN do? Why, no matter what I DO get done, do I wish I had done something else, or think I'm not doing enough because I didn't also get that done? Why? Do I have a lot on my plate? Yes, but it's manageable. Do I have things I should be thankful for? Of course. Do I really have any huge, life altering situation going on? No. So what the hell is my problem. Yes on my days off it's a lot to get the house back on track and do some things with my dogs, and run a few local errands, and maybe have to take a child to the dentist etc... but it really is doable. I really don't know what my issue is, but I sure hope I figure it out soon!!