What Happens When

... you realize who you were at 20 suddenly isn't so different from who you are at 37? When I was 19 I was what most people would call a "hippie". I wanted nothing materialistic, only my car. I owned no more than a suitcase's worth of clothing (and for living in WI, that says a lot), thought the government sucked, and just wanted to live peacefully and not be bothered by the "real" world. My serious other half was the same, maybe even more so. A a very talented artist (still one of the best I've seen to date) who only wanted to smoke his pot and live every day with a smile on his face. When I was 21 something in me switched my gears and I felt like in order to "make it" I had to be main stream. I ended the relationship, moved back in with my parents and got a job. (I had a very good job at 18, but took the lay off pay out) That's when I met Ben and the rest is Apple Pie history. A very normal life, and still a very normal life, which is perfectly lovely. But for some time (a few years) I've been funky. I wouldn't go as far as to say unhappy, just funky... like I'm craving something, but I don't know what it is. Everyday I feel like there's just a little something that is missing. I am NOT unhappy with my life, I just feel a little "lost" in my life. Today I think I have figured it out. Simple and satisfied, that's what I want. I want to grow what we eat, I want to raise what we eat, I want to cook what we eat, and I want to be so busy doing that, that I am not worried about what I don't have that I think I want. Although I don't think I will need busify myself into contentment, since I think simplicity and contentment is what I've been craving. I want to have gardens and flowers and birds, and a few meat animals to tend to daily- hourly. Working hard and caring for animals is what I need to be content I'm now believing. When I think back a few years, the happiest I was was when we had a hobby farm. A little bit of everything. Not a big number of anything, but a small number of a lot. (chickens, geese, rabbits, goats, sheep, and even horses) Problem was, I didn't utilize the animals that could have benefited us, and they were only money pits and eventually had to go. Now I wish for that back, and to use it wisely. My own biggest flaw is that what I want, I want now... I'm going to really figure this out and make it my 5 year plan. Not a weekend project, not something I get depressed about because I can't do it all right now, but a 5 year "phase-in" if you will. Will I become obsessed about it? Most likely, that's what I do, but I am going to promise myself that I will only let that drive work in my favor during this endeavor. Dylan has 6 years left of school, so that's good timing. Ben (hubby) is much more materialistic than I am, but I think he'd go along. He is about easy and convenient, but is also very good about getting the projects too big for me, done. My oldest son is also all about making it easier. He will be an inventor someday, I have no doubt! He is SO smart. He has this amazing ability to imagine something and then make it. It's really mind blowing what he comes up with sometimes! My youngest is the type that at 19 will take nothing but a back pack and $500 and heads off to some long lost country in the hopes of finding proof that dragons or some other legend did indeed exist. They are SO different. In respects to them being happy I can see Charlie being one of those people you see in movies that have gadgets that make their toast and shave their face and robots that mow their lawn etc... LOL! And Dylan I see exploring the world with his back pack and notebook. But anyway.... not sure how I got off on that subject. Back to the previous subject. I do really want to make this happen. I hope that by the time the kids are done in school I can either quit my job or step down to a part time floor associate position. Maintaining a self sustaining type farm (or any farm really) is not something I'll be able to do while working away from home 40 hours a week. If this is my serious plan then I need to also have a serious money plan, as we have considerable debt. (which is the only reason I have to work) If I want to work more on debt am I going to have to cut back else where. Elsewhere meaning animals that are not "giving back" and purchases of material things I don't really need. I may also have to look into trialing. Although I don't really trial all that much anyway. But... my hope was to start to be able to trial more in a year or so, but maybe that is the wrong direction. I can't do it all. Just like at work, I can't let myself get spread so thin that I am no longer doing a good job anywhere. What is the saying? Jack of trades, master of none? Something like that.

Well, I just felt like I need to write this down. I'm off to clean out the chicken coop and get them some fresh straw. I have to figure out what to do with the geese. I either have to let them go, or make them a winter shelter...