to write before I need to get ready for work. Everything came to a head with me and my attitude yesterday. Ben basically said I need to change my attitude or he can't take it anymore. It's pretty hurtful when your spouse tells you having to spend the whole weekend with you sucks, but I guess it's also eye opening. The two of us have dealt with depression in the past, so he knows what he's talking about. He pointed out that I am whole heartily living every single classic sign. I'd rather sleep than do anything, I don't do the things I used to really enjoy ( I make excuses as to why I can't), and I don't have a positive outlook on a single thing... ugh.... He also told me that my desire to have a 50 acre farm right now is unattainable, so I am only setting myself up for constant (and it is/was all consuming) disappointment. He said I have to start doing some things that I enjoy and can do with what I can realistically acquire.... He brought up that I never did ask David last fall about leasing any of his fields to work dogs in- which I have not and he (David) had even told me the only reason he could see that it would be a problem would be if it meant the farmer who rents his farm (hundreds of acres) would not want to rent it if he lost one of the 15-20 acre fields.... He also said I just need to go to the trial and quit worrying about how much big field work they've had. And he's right. Yes, we'd do better if my dogs were accustomed to running bigger outruns, but we always manage and I still have a good time... So that's that- I gotta get ready for work. I colored my hair late last night, so I went to bed with wet hair- I look like I've had a much wilder weekend than I really did!! LOL! I bought some plants for in the house on Saturday- I miss plants. I used to have them everywhere. I even had ferns in the bathroom.
So I guess I'll see where 150mg Wellbutrin takes me... along with a more aware attitude. I didn't realize just how negative I had become... yuck.
The hardest decision will be what to do if I can't rent a chuck of field somewhere close from David. It's too hard to depend on going somewhere to work in a field large enough that it's fair to expect the dogs to be USBCHA competitive on their outrun. We have the rest down, but to be in the running we cannot lose all those outrun points due to redirects. I'm always bummed when we still manage to place despite that- I can't help but look at the scores and figure up if we had the average outrun points (I'm talking in Open and sometimes Ranch- the PN outruns are fine) we'd be right there in top pack! :-( If I can't rent something from David I am highly considering going back to agility- as I do that fully here. I very much enjoyed it and I have some dogs that were excellent agility dogs, and I know I have some that would be! I may have to go that route along with trialing in some (and I mean no offense here) lower caliber herding trials...
Geez, I really gotta go!!
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