Just Great...

Well I'm pretty sure I have at least a partially torn rotator cuff. (but I'd bet it's terribly torn) I hurt my shoulder really bad nearly two months ago, and it has only gone from unbearable to awful with time. I can hardly pull my own shirts on and off and I have to be really careful with what I do, or the pain is almost drop me to my knees. (sometimes I sound like I have turrets or something, because I appear to spontaneously curse!) This sucks for me, as I'm a bit hard core and I am not used to not being able... The worst though is sleeping. It's miserable and the last couple of nights I have woke up in a position I can hardly move out of... I guess it's time to go in. We have FULL medical, yet I don't go. To give you a reference, after my postnatal (I did go to all my prenatal appts) with Dylan I hadn't been until last fall. (Dylan is now 11). But I can't keep this up. It's not getting better. I've given it plenty of time to heal. If it was going to heal on it's own, it would have by now. I read about the pain, and what I have is textbook and now my gut is in knots over how it's fixed, and even more about how LONG it takes to heal. Just freakin' fantastic!

I had "one of those days" today. Everything right now seems over whelming. I have a very full plate all the time, and sometimes it seems like too much. As I wrote earlier, Charlie had his orthodontist appt on Tuesday. On Wednesday, some of things they put on came un-done. Great. That's another 75 mile round trip and at least a half day of school for Charlie, and will have to be some lost hours for me, as I work M-F next week. I feel like they should credit our 4 digit bill a good 30 bucks! RRRrrrr! Work right now also seems over tasked. It just seems like there are too many people that don't give a shit, that the people who do are never going to be able to get their areas right... We met our new store manager (informally). He's a 61 year old retired Marine who did 2 tours in the recon. division in Vietnam. He doesn't seem very military though. He was very pleasant and seems rather personable, but we'll see. It seems like I can never caught up in my house and that's a constant frustration for me. I get home and take care of the kids (making sure homework, showers, pet care, projects, AR book reading etc are done), make dinner for all, take care of the dogs (maybe work a dog or 2), then clean up dinner, and then *poof* I'm out of steam. Like right now I should be cleaning something, something, anything... but I just don't have it in me. But maybe it should be. Maybe I need to push beyond what I do. This is one of my biggest issues- I never think I do enough, try enough, or am good enough at everything I want to do. Anything that's not perfect I take the hit on. I feel like everything is on me, and anything that's not done is a reflection of my failure. Blah. I toyed with the idea of staying up half the night to clean, but I'm opting to get up at either 5 or 6 and dig in. I work 11-8 tomorrow, so I have some extra time in the morning. I'll be draggin' come 8 tomorrow night, but I have the weekend off. It'll be busy though. Saturday will be house work and dog work. Sunday will be an early start and long day as I'm going to NC to a trial. Then I work M-F. Thursday is the State Fair, so I'm bagging out that day. To add to it, Ben is on the ship right now. They were supposed to leave Monday for 2 weeks. Well, shit happens and they are maybe leaving tomorrow- still for 2 weeks. Yeah, great- so now we're up to almost 3 weeks. Most of the guys have been working till 3pm and coming home. Not Ben though, they've had to stay. So he's been gone since Sunday morning (because he had duty) and is only 40 miles away... It was hard not having him here tonight when I had myself in such a this-is-too-much frenzy... he is always the one who reminds me to not over think the little stuff- which I do horribly! Not only do I not see the big picture (which is a lovely picture for us), I put on my big 'ol crap-glasses. These are the glasses you put on and all you see is crap... Ugh, I hate that about myself.... Off to bed so I can get up and hopefully get enough things done before work that I will feel a little better about myself tomorrow...